Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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