At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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