I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
