Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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