I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
