Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
