she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
