You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
