dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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