worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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