Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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