you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
