when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
