Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
