Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
