got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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