Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
