oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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