Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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