I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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