my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
