My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
