She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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