god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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