It's like God shit irony all over that family
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
