guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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