omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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