Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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