some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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