I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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