It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
