he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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