bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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