I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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