My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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