the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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