I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
