A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
