farters have to be the big spoon...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
