just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
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