i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
