i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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