Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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