you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
