none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
