I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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