I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
