I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
