I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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