Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
