She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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