A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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