atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Randomize
