college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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