explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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