I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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