Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
