This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
