Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize